The Private Male (Part 2 of 5)

H. Norman Wright - Men are full of questions. Whom do they ask? All too often they ask themselves. They raise the issues and then look to themselves for the answers. But how can the inquirer be the expert? A mental conversation may be safe, but it is limited in its resources.

Women also ask questions about men. “Why is he like that? What’s going on inside of him? I’d give anything to know. Is there anything going on inside of him? Why does he shut me out so much? What does he think about? What is he afraid of sharing, and why? Is he afraid of me? I’m not going to bite!”

Men are asking, “Why don’t I speak up and share what’s really going on inside me?”

Women are asking, “Why doesn’t he speak up and share what is going on inside of him?”

The issue of silence in men is as old as the beginning of time. Larry Crabb discusses the subject in the early pages of his recent book, The Silence of Adam.

Where was Adam when the serpent tempted Eve? The Bible says that after Eve was deceived by Satan, she took some of the forbidden fruit “...and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her (emphasis added), and he ate it” (Genesis 3:6).

Was Adam there the whole time? Was he standing right next to his wife while the serpent tricked her with his cunning? Was he there, listening to every word?

If he was—and there is good reason to think so—then a big question must be asked: WHY DIDN’T HE SAY ANYTHING?

Since Adam every man has had a natural inclination to remain silent when he should speak. A man is most comfortable in situations in which he knows exactly what to do. When things get confusing and scary, his insides tighten and he backs away.3

If you are a man, is silence a part of your life? Do you view silence as an enemy or a friend, a hinderer who suffocates your words or an advocate who speaks for you?

If you are a woman, is there silence in your relationship? These are questions to ask, consider and hopefully to answer.

Men today are addressing the issues and concerns about their inner questions. They are getting tired of the elevator lifestyle. I will explain.

Whether 2 or 12 passengers stand in the cramped space of an elevator, nobody talks. People enter the elevator as strangers, and they depart as strangers. They are careful not to touch each other with their bodies or even their words. No one looks at anyone else. Eye contact is avoided and everyone glares at the number board as though they might miss their floors! Where are the signs that prohibit them from looking, touching or talking? A silent conspiracy persists and everyone participates in it. Isolation is the plan.

Nothing is worse than isolation. Life is incomplete when it is lived alone and unshared. Isolation is counterproductive to God’s creative plan. He said, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). Interesting, that was the first time God called something “not good.”

A graphic illustration of isolation emanates from the pen of Max Lucado. He was walking through a graveyard in San Antonio when he came upon a marker. This is what he says:

Then I saw it. It was chiseled into a tombstone on the northern end of the cemetery. The stone marks the destination of the body of Grace Llewellen Smith. No date of birth is listed, no date of death. Just the names of her two husbands, and this epitaph:

“Sleeps, but rests not.
Loves, but was loved not.
Tried to please, but pleased not.
Died as she lived—alone.”

Words of futility.

I stared at the marker and wondered about Grace Llewellen Smith. I wondered about her life. I wondered if she’d written the words...or just lived them. I wondered if she deserved the pain. I wondered if she was bitter or beaten. I wondered if she was plain. I wondered if she was beautiful. I wondered why some lives are so fruitful while others are so futile.

I caught myself wondering aloud, “Mrs. Smith, what broke your heart?”4

Thousands of Grace Smiths exist today—both men and women. Some people live as though they have been immunized against close, intimate relationships.

Isolation is a potent killer. It destroys not only the person who isolates, but also the relationship. It is time to stop the elevator and say, “Here I am. This is who I am. I am somebody. I have questions and I want answers. I am going to reveal who I am and really live.” It is time to get out of the elevator.

For years, men have learned to pretend. We were taught to say, “Everything is OK. I can handle it. I know what I’m doing. My life is together.” But for many men life isn’t OK, and we don’t think we can handle it. One of the popular songs when I was in high school was titled “The Great Pretender.” How many times have I and others I have talked to felt that was our theme song?

Whether Christian men or not, we all pretend. We say, “I’ve got it under control,” but the real voice inside cries, “I’m anxious, scared and worried that I won’t make it. Will someone pray for me? Will someone help me? Please help me find out what’s missing inside.”

Notes
1. H. Norman Wright, Understanding the Man in Your Life (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1987), p. 160.
2. Patrick Morley, The Seven Seasons of a Man’s Life (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1995), p. 33.
3. Larry Crabb, The Silence of Adam (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 1995), pp. 11, 12.
4. Max Lucado, Six Hours One Friday (Dallas: Word, Inc., 1989), pp. 37, 38.
5. Verne Becker, The Real Man Inside (Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House., 1992), p. 15.
6. Crabb, op. cit., p. 176.
7. Cited in Bill McCartney’s, What Makes a Man (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 1992), p. 137.
8. Herb Goldberg, Ph.D., What Men Really Want (New York: Signet Books, 1991), pp. 61-62, adapted.
9. Gary J. Oliver, Real Men Have Feelings, Too (Chicago: Moody Press, 1993), p. 37.
10. David Mains, Healing the Dysfunctional Church Family (Wheaton, Ill.: Victor Books, 1992), p. 123.

H. Norman Wright is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child Therapist. He was formerly Director of the Graduate Department of Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at Biola University as well as an Associate Professor of Psychology. He has taught graduate school for over twenty-five years at Talbot School of Theology and the Graduate Department of Marriage and Family Counseling at Biola University Dr. Wright is the founder and director of Christian Marriage Enrichment, a national organization designed to train ministers and lay leaders in counseling and enrichment.

Excerpted by permission from What Men Want: Why Men Think, Feel and Act the Way They Do by H. Norman Wright (Regal Books). To purchase the product follow this link.

Visit Dr. H. Norman Wright's site.

Dr. H. Norman Wright is a graduate of Westmont College (B.A. Christian Education), Fuller Theological Seminary (M.R.E.), and Pepperdine University (M.A. in Clinical Psychology) and has received honorary doctorates D.D. and D.Litt. from Western Conservative Baptist Seminary and Biola University respectively. He has pioneered premarital counseling programs throughout the country. Dr. Wright is the author of over 65 books—including the best-selling Always Daddy’s Girl and Quiet Times for Couples. He and his wife, Joyce, have a married daughter, Sheryl, and a son, Matthew, who was profoundly retarded and is now deceased. The Wrights make their home in Southern California.